For most people, internal change is usually met with the darkest shade of resistance. Nobody likes changing who they are. “Change” usually means “different”…and “different” means “strange”, “uncomfortable”, and “scary”. (Ironically, in the dictionary, “different” doesn’t maintain any of those definitions. It’s one of those fun words that we humans like to unleash all our quirky fears upon.)
As a result of our attitudes towards change, most folk choose to constantly surround themselves with people/places/things they deem familiar. I find that a little weird, because while I love my creature comforts just like the next guy, this past decade I’ve fallen madly in love with reinvention. For me, “change” means “growth”…and growth normally fosters a better sense of purpose and understanding.
But, please…just because I openly boast a fetish towards reinvention, doesn’t mean I like getting tossed into the flames and being forced to change. Growth is wonderful when you’re in control and can set your own terms. But when you’re spiraling out of control – which is exactly the case when one’s heart has been broken by heavy trauma – ugh, change can be the worst. Instinct usually kicks in, and on some guttural level, we adapt into these vile, sad creatures we’ve never seen before. And that transformation is far from wonderful…it’s actually quite painful.
Dana, this past year you’ve been dragged against your will into a personal crossroad…and like all crossroads, you will have the rest of your waking life to make two decisions. First will be: Do you want to remain in the past or do you want to move forward? Unless you’re either a genius or cold-hearted prick, you pretty much will make this first decision over and over and over again, until you realize…Hey! Sitting here in the middle of this road isn’t really making me very happy…and then you’ll be granted the second decision: Okay, now that you want to move forward, where do you want to go?
You’re coming home soon…and while I imagine you long to be back in your own comfort zone, I also imagine you’ll get a sense that things over here aren’t the same since you left. Trust me on this one, ain’t shit going on over here – we’re all the same we ever were. The only thing that’s radically changed – and that’s continuing to radically change – is that disconsolate lil’ girl in the middle of the Utah desert, who’s busy letting her grief eviscerate her over and over again.
What will come out of your rebirth? Fuck if I know. I’ve no idea what my future holds, what would ever possess me to know yours? Just know that your life, while miserable and vacant without Brad, is far from over. The darkness may loom over your broken heart like a flock of unrelenting vultures, eager to feast off your ever-flowing sorrow…but just because that’s the mental state where you currently reside, doesn’t mean that’s where you shall live out the rest of your existence. Trust me, you broke from the mold ages ago and you’re going to do a million and one amazing things with the rest of your life, as long as you continue to ignore the noise and focus on what brings you true happiness.
And, agreed, you’re evolving at a million miles a minute right now, what could you possibly know about your new, true happiness? Don’t worry about that part – it’ll come with enough time, reflection, and self-growth. Just feel this in your bones: you owe nothing to the past or present. Your obligations are now yours and yours alone – and while that has to make you feel terrified and alone – if it’s at all possible, try and examine the wonder and endless possibilities that accompany your new reality. This is still your life…and though you’re at rock bottom, you get to choose how you rise from your ashes and dictate the next chapter of your life.
George Bernard Shaw was right. Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.
Sleeping Lessons
Go without, ’til the need seeps in, you low animal
Collect your novel petals for the stem
And glow, glow, melt and flow
Eviscerate your fragile frame and spill it out on the ragged floor
A thousand different versions of yourself
And if the old God’s still offend
They got nothing left on which you depend
So enlist every ounce of your bright blood
And off with their heads!
Jump from that hook – you’re not obliged to swallow anything you despise
See, those unrepenting buzzards want your life – and they got no right!
As sure as you have eyes, they got no right!
Just put yourself in my new shoes
And see that I do what I do, because the old God’s still defend
(petty guards with shiny hands)
We got nothing left on which we depend
So enlist every ounce of your bright blood
And off with their heads
Jump from that hook – you’re not obliged to swallow anything you despise
Dana's Ditties 